The "I gotta get this off my chest" Thread

Thanks, bub. You're so helpfull.

It's something I have to go through with for the rest of my life. It'll always be there and you just cannot get rid of it at all. It's something that should NOT have happened now. Three family members have died from cancer and now another one has it too.

Like my teacher said, I matured way too fast. I've become immune to deaths and his hit me hard in the goddamn face.

I'm so sorry Fani. You've dealt with everything so well I think Andy's advice will really help you. And we're all always here for you if you need us

Oh, Fani... I'm so sorry too. Andy is definately right with the advice she gave you. I haven't yet been in such situation myself but I'm always here for you as well to talk, to support you in any way I can.

Andy's like the perfect counselor to go to. I couldn't have said it better myself. So yeah, but good for you Fani for being strong and all. You did good actually, and like Andy said, it's nothing to be ashamed of. We can understand how you feel, and it's normal to feel that way when you lost someone so close to you, like that. It's ok, and keep those great memories of you and your dad, and if you need o let it all out, do it. it's normal to do so, and it'll probably be good anyways. Take care!

I'm so sorry Fani <3 I'm always hear for you if you need anything you know. And I just want to say, that you are strong. And crying is NOT a sign of weakness. If you cry about this, then you're not any less strong. In my opinion it makes you stronger that you can let out how you feel. I know it's hard, dear, but you're doing so well. I love you

Ok. I had a rant. But I'm warning you. There are things in here... that might offend some people here. So if you don't want to run the risk, please don't read it because it's not directed at you. I don't want any of you upset over it.

To the man I wish I had something to call other than "Dad",

I'm almost at a loss as to where to begin. I could start with every grievance I've ever had with you. I could just explode over what you said to me that I will never forgive you for. I'm not sure which approach I want to take, so I'll just be as methodical as possible since you'v always had a problem with that as well.

We got along fine til you stopped working in Perry Hall. That was when you were close to home, into SC, went hunting and fishing, and it was before you became incredibly sick. I always had a problem with some of the things you believed before then, but it was never so tense between us. To this day I'll never understand why you believe crying is only to be done in the instance of a death in the immediate family. If I feel like crying, fuck you, I'll sob until I'm finished.

You have a lot wrong. I will not deny that ever. Depression hurts you, I know that a lot better than you probably realize. If you actually took notice of my actions occassionally you'd've noticed by now that I'm struggling on a near constant basis, without the luxury of medication like you have because I didn't demand a doctor visit from mom. I should. I should walk into your room right now and admit that sometimes I can't pull myself out of bed, that all the times when "I'm just tired" I actually have no idea why I feel completely cut off from everything and everyone in the world, and sometimes I really can't control myself. Why do you think I run and spend copious amounts of time outside even when it's freezing? Because exercise and sunlight keep me sane where you as a parent fail to.

Ankolsing Spondylitis hurts you, excrutiatingly. I know you're in constant pain. I know you can't sit for more than a few minutes, I know you can't walk at a normal pace, I know it hurts you to drive. I know. And it hurts me that you can't text or tie your shoes with agony. You have no idea what it is like to watch a big man that you looked up to as kid fall to pieces while you watch, absolutely helplessly. I text your boss for you when you can't go in. I get your shoes from under the bed when you can't bend over because your hips and knees just can't do it anymore. I even try to take for you during the fatigue flare ups when no one has any idea what to feed you cause you've been in bed for twenty hours. Of course, you make defending you near impossible.

But you don't even fucking know me. You clearly demonstrated that when Letterman made the joke about Sarah Palin's daughter and the baseball player. I laughed, yes. And instead of shrugging it off like a normal being you said that for someone as sensitive about rape as I am I shouldn't have laughed about it. Well. Father. Why would I be sensitive about rape? Oh right. Let's recap, because when this intense guilt that I live with every single day developed you were at work.

In sixth grade there was a girl that was quite...loose. She was popular, and snooty, and loose. Everyone who'd known her before I'd met her said she'd been that way since fourth grade. Her myspace URL was penislover. I was so contentious with her, I was downright mean. I didn't like her, and I let her know it a few times. By seventh grade we were ok but I always had problems with her. She transferred out of our school that December. That May, a story broke on the news. The gym teacher at Pleasant Plains had continually molested a girl for years...since the year that girl had been in fourth grade. Soon we had it confirmed that it was her. Really factually confirmed.

I left out something very important in that summary. I almost have no desire to ever admit this in writing. But. I will. That girl had told people she'd been raped. Several times. She'd told me. Even I didn't believe her. I have to live with that every day. Don't toss around my sensitivity to it ever again.

You also don't know that I really only eat a substantial meal at dinner cause you murdered my self esteem. Yeah, believe it or not telling a young girl that she's fat repeatedly even jokingly takes a toll. You never helped me lose weight. You never helped me exercise. I had to do it myself. You just take a lot of pride in reminding me that I still don't have a flat stomach. You've shamed me out of a piece of fucking pie the day after a holiday for fuck's sake. Who does that? I HATE what I see when I look in the mirror. I hate my body, even though it's changed since you started making fun of me. Now I'm 5'6" with 34", 28", 36" measurements. I should be able to feel damn good about that. I don't. I'll never be skinny enough, I'll never have clear enough skin, I will never be pretty to myself.

I hide my birth control pills from you. I feel like I have to. You're so pro-life I'm surprised you don't walk around with a turkey-baster begging women to have kids. I hate that. Yeah.I get that mom had a miscarriage. I remember the exact day of the DNC. February 23, 2004. I remember perfectly. Go to hell.

I could go on forever about things you've done to me that I hate. But I won't. Cause even with the hell you've insisted that I live through, I love my life. And I won't let you take it away from me. Even fighting with emotions I can rarely control. I. LOVE. LIFE.

Which is why I can't understand why you said what you said tonight.

The dog got a hold of some plastic while I was making you dinner. You came down while I was trying to get it away from her. And you acted as though I'd done nothing. You freaked out that she was choking and hurried her upstairs and gave me a dirty look. Lovely. It wasn't my fault that mom left me alone. I went up later and gotten the plastic out of Willow's mouth and were being quite mean about it. Then mom calls you and you act so fucking stressed that you're watching the dog while I'm cooking for you. And you tell her about the plastic. I took the phone and told her I didn't try to kil the dog.

Now. Pay very close attention you asshole. This is where you began to cross the line.

You freaked out. You said that I hear things, that you're thinking of taking me to a psychologist cause I'm crazy. You go downstairs and come back and said something that I will always remember even if I have to etch into my own skin.

You said that I was putting on manipulative act that you weren't buying. I'm acting. I'm twisting everything you say. Then you said it. You said I was just like your mother.

I will never forgive you as long as I live. I hate that woman for what she put your through. For what she contiues to put my family through. I would do anything to undo what she's caused. And you said I was as pathological and heartless as her.

Congratulations. I may by DNA be your daughter. But I am not YOUR anything from now on. I'm mine. I'm mom's daughter. I'm Ryan's sister. You. Well. You're just my mother's husband.

Oh, Kay. You are one of the most amazing people I know, Kay. And you're gorgeous, and you're caring, and you're funny. I don't want you to ever, EVER let someone convince you otherwise, because they are wrong. They are beyond wrong.

Gods. There are some people that I just can't understand, and he's one of them. I'm so sorry he's treating you like this. I understand that he's sick, but for fuck's sake, I'M sick, and I would never treat someone I'm supposed to love like that without VERY good reason.

You know I always have my phone if you need me. Always. And don't hesitate to call me, even if it's 0400 here, okay? Will you please call me if you wanna talk? I'm here forever. <3 And I love you so much, I can't even describe it.

Don't let him get to you any more than he has. I'll fly to Baltimore and kick his ass personally.

I'm so sorry Kay. I really am. I wish you didn't have to go through this. I wish I could fly over and take you away. I understand what you are going through with your dad telling you that you aren't skinny enough. My mom has told me ever since I can remember that I was fat, telling me I ate as much as my dad even though she used to control my portion sizes, telling me if I had one more biscuit I'd put on like 20 pounds and end up having a heart attack like her dad and that I dont do enough excerise. Well you know how that made me. But none of it is true, it's just a way of keeping control. It's a way of dealing with their stress. You are so beautiful, so strong, so funny and just one of the most amazing people I know. Never ever listen to anything negative he, or anyone else has to say about you. It's only a way of making themselves feel better. And you know you are a billion times better than that. You know you are worth so much more. Just keep away from him, and never listen to what he has to say. You have done so much for him since he became ill and it's about time he saw that and saw how much of a toll it's taking on you.

Just keep in there Kay, I know you can and I know how strong you are. We are always here for you and you always have my mlove and support. Just dont ever listen to anyone trying to bring you down, you are worth a million times more than them <3

Kayleigh my love. I love you so much. You're a sweet, kind, caring, loving, warm-hearted, gorgeous girl.

You do so much for him and yet he treats you like the scum of the earth. Has he not noticed how much you do for him and without you he'd have very little attention at the snap of his fingers? It makes me sick that he can treat you like this, and I can relate in many ways. Reading this, I would give anything and I mean anything to help you and get you away from all the shit. You deserve so much more than hate and verbal abuse.
If anyone needs to see a shrink it's him. To me it seems that he enjoys making you feel pain inside. Which is sick and fucking twisted. I wish I could make him see what he's doing and has done to you, make him feel your pain and see how he likes it.

You are so strong. Ever so strong. I love you so much and I'm always, always here for you if you need to talk. If you need it you can have my cell number. x

NeonFishnets wrote:

Oh, Kay. You are one of the most amazing people I know, Kay. And you're gorgeous, and you're caring, and you're funny. I don't want you to ever, EVER let someone convince you otherwise, because they are wrong. They are beyond wrong.

Gods. There are some people that I just can't understand, and he's one of them. I'm so sorry he's treating you like this. I understand that he's sick, but for fuck's sake, I'M sick, and I would never treat someone I'm supposed to love like that without VERY good reason.

You know I always have my phone if you need me. Always. And don't hesitate to call me, even if it's 0400 here, okay? Will you please call me if you wanna talk? I'm here forever. <3 And I love you so much, I can't even describe it.

Don't let him get to you any more than he has. I'll fly to Baltimore and kick his ass personally.

Thanks Andy. I promise I'll call if I need you. <3 I love you too!

KellieBent wrote:

I'm so sorry Kay. I really am. I wish you didn't have to go through this. I wish I could fly over and take you away. I understand what you are going through with your dad telling you that you aren't skinny enough. My mom has told me ever since I can remember that I was fat, telling me I ate as much as my dad even though she used to control my portion sizes, telling me if I had one more biscuit I'd put on like 20 pounds and end up having a heart attack like her dad and that I dont do enough excerise. Well you know how that made me. But none of it is true, it's just a way of keeping control. It's a way of dealing with their stress. You are so beautiful, so strong, so funny and just one of the most amazing people I know. Never ever listen to anything negative he, or anyone else has to say about you. It's only a way of making themselves feel better. And you know you are a billion times better than that. You know you are worth so much more. Just keep away from him, and never listen to what he has to say. You have done so much for him since he became ill and it's about time he saw that and saw how much of a toll it's taking on you.

Just keep in there Kay, I know you can and I know how strong you are. We are always here for you and you always have my mlove and support. Just dont ever listen to anyone trying to bring you down, you are worth a million times more than them <3

Thank you Kellie, I love you too <3

Lady Draconian wrote:

Kayleigh my love. I love you so much. You're a sweet, kind, caring, loving, warm-hearted, gorgeous girl.

You do so much for him and yet he treats you like the scum of the earth. Has he not noticed how much you do for him and without you he'd have very little attention at the snap of his fingers? It makes me sick that he can treat you like this, and I can relate in many ways. Reading this, I would give anything and I mean anything to help you and get you away from all the shit. You deserve so much more than hate and verbal abuse.
If anyone needs to see a shrink it's him. To me it seems that he enjoys making you feel pain inside. Which is sick and fucking twisted. I wish I could make him see what he's doing and has done to you, make him feel your pain and see how he likes it.

You are so strong. Ever so strong. I love you so much and I'm always, always here for you if you need to talk. If you need it you can have my cell number. x

I love you too Tayla <3 I appreciate the cell offer but I'd rather not explain charges to England to my mom. Haha.

Kay. Dude, I don't even know what to say or where to begin. This is...wow! It amazes me sometimes how the people that tend to hurt us the most is our own family members, and that's fuckin bullshit! I didn't even know that your dad always gave you shit about you being "fat" and stuff. And Kay: You're not! So I'm thinking, "WTF!?" i mean, i've seen pictures of you and fuckin trust me when i tell you this, you're NOT fat. People, sometimes, just love to make (or try to make) other people feel like shit only because THEY feel like shit! And I had no idea your dad had that illness going on for him, either. and you know, i feel sorry for him and it sucks that he has that, but you know what? the way he's treating you and all is bullshit. You're his fuckin daughter for fucks sake, and no father, or parent actually, should ever treat any of their kids like shit, So he can go f...I don't wanna say it, but fuck does that piss me off, it fuckin does, i swear. There are a million things I would like to say about your dad right now, but i won't cause I have no right to do so, but fuck. Kay, look. I know I'm not always the best guy to go to for like anything, and I'm not always the right person to talk to, but I swear, if you ever want to talk about crap like that with me, I swear to fuckin god, i will listen and try my best to help you out and give you advice, if you want me to. You know, i hate to see my friends like this, and it sucks when you can't do shit about it. I'm always here for you, ok? Look, I don't give a fuck what people say or think about you, all right. seriously, they can all go fuck themselves or whatever, fuck it! -I-, ME, Roberto fuckin Velasquez, this son of a bitch here, fuckin likes you for who you are. You're a fuckin great person, fuckin hilarious, I love your sarcasm, you're a strong person, you are a caring person, and you are a great friend, really. You have an amazing personality, I shit you not. And on top of that, and with all due respects, you're pretty, all right? So fuck what anybody says or thinks about you. And I'm so fuckin sorry about your situation with your dad, that's fuckin fucked up. You're no way near psychotic, Ha! the fuck is that shit all about, cause now he's talking out of his ass. Oh, man, god fuckin damn it, I swear, some people, SOME people I just want to fuckin kill...ARGH!!! so Kay, talk to me, please! I'm here for you and you can always trust me, I swear. i'll do my best to help. Please take care, and feel hella good about yourself. you're trully a great and lovely friend. No bullshit, i swear!

p.s. And I just talked to you like yesterday, and i wasn't even on the forum for like the past 2 days, so i'm real sorry cause I didn't even know. I apologize.

Thanks Rob. I didn't expect you to know, it's okay. Thank you.

I really need a rant.

I'm so fucking depressed. Even if I'm in a good mood I get put down. It seems I'm only happy when I'm away from this house or much rather the people that reside here.
So today you find out that one of my best friends is bisexual. Yes, she had a boyfriend and yes at the same time she has a girlfriend. I have told her how wrong I think it is. It is cheating. You know I'm against that. So why the fuck do you call me into the kitchen and start having a go at me? Fuck you dad.
I'm completely at a loss with you. You say you love me, that you want to spend time with me yet you treat me like I'm some inferior scum who's worthless and while you run around after your girlfriend and her kids, then lastly your own, how are we expected to feel? You make me feel like I'm nothing, and today you said I was nothing. Thanks for the confirmation.
I get it we don't share the same opinions but that doesn't give you the right to downgrade me or those I care about. Like I agreed cheating is wrong and sick. I fucking hate cheaters and you know that. Then you said bisexuality was wrong. That pissed me off. Not only did you say it was sick and against nature, but you said that bisexuals spread STIs and STDs. Fuck, you know nothing! You croseed the line. Straight people like you spread STIs/STDs and so do homosexuals! Seriously you need to learn the facts before preaching the gospel to me. I stick up for my friends and myself even though you don't know I'm bisexual. I fight against all the ignorance and hate you've preached to me everyday of my life. I can only just stick a few of the things you say. All the racism, the homphobia, the discrimination. You even mock the disabled!
I don't know who the fuck you think you are trying to force your sick opinions down my throat. Yet when I finally break and fight back you call me a backwards freak, challenge me to dare admit I'm not straight and then insult alot of people I love dearly. You make me so angry. So fucking angry. I'm struggling to put my hate for you into words right now.
You always critise me and twist me words. You said I was for cheating when I said I was for bisexuality. Then you start yelling at me again and twisting my words. You don't like it when I fight back. You dare me to fight back. Today I did and you hit me. You hit me so hard I feel over. Your girlfriend heard and saw everything. I hope she's now seen you for who you really are.
Now, you've finally told me what you really think of me and my opinions I hope you're happy. I hope you lead a happy life and have a great future because I know as soon as I'm out of here I will. You are the sick one! You're the one who know's nothing about life. I've been through so much more than you'll ever know. I am my own person and have my own opinions nd I'll keep them till the day I die.

I'm so sorry sis. I've PM'd you. I love you so much, I wish I could take you away from everything.

*kidnaps you and takes you away*

I'm so sorry darling He sounds so much like my parents that it's sickening. They say the same things about bisexuals and homosexuality and it disgusts me. It's a losing situation with parents apparently, because when I try to fight them and stand up they're complete assholes and they say that I'm a disgrace and a shame.
I hate how they always use the same excuses though, that they can't have children so its wrong, or they spread diseases so its wrong. There are straight people that cannot have kids! And there are straight people that spread diseases! Are THEY unnatural, a disgrace, and sick? Are they going to hell?

I really wish I could take you away from there <33333 He doesn't deserve someone as amazing as you as a daughter. You do so much for him and he has no right to lay as much as a fucking finger on you.

But I'm so proud of you dear <3 you're strong and I know you wont let him break you He can say what he likes and do what he likes, but he can never change you. You are your own amazing person and never ever doubt that <3333

I love you dear Just stay strong and know I'm always here for you

*snugs Tayla* Aw, honey. Goodness.. Let's all just join up in Holland and call it good. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. He has no right to say what he said about you, and it's good that you know it. I promise everything will be okay.

WOAH, woah, woah, woah, WOOOAAAH! Your dad, fuckin HIT you!? WTF, man!? Tayla, that's bullcrap! I can't believe he fuckin did that to you! That right there is fuckin child abuse! Fuck, again, I'd love to insult your dad, but I don't want to. You should report that shit, or call the police. Mother fucker, I swear! What is wrong with people, fuck!? And again, most of our problems come from our own families. To you, and the rest of you who have these sort of problems with your parents or whoever, you should seriously find some help or something because if they've done this more than once, it's most likely that they'll keep on doing it again. And sometimes, nothing really gets done until a disgrace happens. So hearing that, Tayla, really worries me. Your dad has no right to raise his fuckin hand against you, and even less, actually hit you. That's some pussy shit right there. That's not being a man at all, and it's one of the lowest things any human being can do. It's disgusting and he should be ashamed and people like that should just...die! I'm so sorry for everything that your going through. What your dad's doing to you is fucked up, real fucked up, and you don't deserve that shit from him or anybody else. You, along with many people in here, deserve a lot better. None of you deserve any of this bullshit, or crap that you get from, I don't know, your mom or dad, from a "friend", or from any other person. Don't let people treat you like shit and don't allow anything that they say, get to you. All these fuckers who try to belittle other people, or those who hit/abuse somebody, or anybody that purposely tries to ruin someone else's life just for the fuck of it, will all get everything they deserve, one day. Karma's a bitch, so they'll get what's coming to them, one day. Your dad is obviously close-minded about all the crap he's talking. So in that case, just fuck him. Ignore him. As long as you're happy with who you are, you really shouldn't give a shit about what he says or thinks. You're a bisexual, but he doesn't approve or think it's right!? well guess what, he can go fuck himself cause you are who you are. So if anything, good for you for not letting him manipulate your thoughts or opinions. Stay strong and please take care of yourself. Stay close to your friends and wish you the best. You can always talk to me, ok?

Ohh dear
I totally understand you my parents always are saying that homosexuality or bisexuality is bad and they laugh at people whom are from those sexual orientation. But hit you!!
That's not fair that's abuse
Also criticizing ya in that way it's not good. He is just lowering your self-esteem to the ground.

Anyway here I am to make you feel better m'dear

And Kay Your story really made me cry, I didn't know you were in that situation dear. What really amazes me is the part about your doggie poor her and poor you that's not fair!!!!
Kayleigh won't kill an animal I'm sure about that. It was not your fault dear. That's because we're here, to make all of you feel better much better

This is something I feel I should share with you guys and that you all deserve to know what happened this past Friday.
It's a bit lengthy, but if you start it, please read the whole thing.

---
Suicide. It's not a pretty thing.
I think that's why I'm tired of people always telling me how pretty I am.
I am not a pretty person. I am a scarred, troubled, bony, and ill girl. I cuss, I'm indecent, I'm foul, I'm a bitch and will tell you exactly what I think of you. And I was suicidal.

Was...

Life is...precious. A fragile, gorgeous thing, like an icicle in the palm of your hand. I am sharing this with you not because I want your pity. No, I want you to learn as I learned on Friday.

I wanted so desperately to die. I came home so numb, my memories are slightly fuzzy as I try to recall it now. It was all these stupid, tiny things that just built up. And because of him. Him. All of them. I was so drained and hopeless.

For those of you who have attempted suicide before, you know how this next part plays out.
Your adrenaline pumps, your heart pounds in your ear drums, and you quiver as you stare at your weapon of choice, wondering if this is truly the last thing you will ever see.
I held that prescription bottle in my hand, one which was filled with (naturally) Lamictal. The other hand clutched a bottle of Abilify. Normally, my release has always been blades. Knives. Safety pins. Anything sharp that I could get my hands on. The things I could always turn to if all else failed. They weren't the answer this time.
I held up the bottle of Lamictal and I trembled. Is this it? Could this just end it for me? I closed my eyes.

I think I screamed.

I blankly stared into space for a fair amount of time. I don't quite know how many I took. All I remember is tossing about half the contents down my throat and getting extremely tired. I do remember a knock on the door. When I was woken up, the entire bottle of Lamictal and half the bottle of Abilify were gone (neither were full, but I suppose what was in there was just enough).

I can't recall exactly the soft words Kiwi said to me, pulling my bloody arm onto her lap and cradling my head on her shoulder. I've lost a memory, for the next thing I remember was Kiwi holding a wet towel against my head. She cooed and whispered, and my heart stopped pounding and I became at ease. The cuts I had made earlier had stopped bleeding.

I eventually called down my mother to take me to the hospital, and when she did arrive we argued. She just ended up calling the cops because I refused her help.
They led me down to their car without handcuffs, and as I plopped onto the hard, plastic seats I remarked, "Wow, it's been a long time since I've been in the back of one of these."

They hauled me off to the hospital, and as I stoically followed the cops into the ER, the nurses glared at me disdainfully. I was lead into room number two, where they stripped me of my bloody clothes and shoved me into one of their humiliating, paper, backless gowns. I laid down on the firm bed, the rough sheets sliding against my backside like sandpaper. They left me alone. And then it hit me, and I laughed bitterly; This is the third time I've been hospitalized because of him.

Fuck, I hate hospitals. So blindingly white and bland, the sterile smell of rubbing alcohol and rubber gloves, the exhausted nurses making it blatantly obvious that they have better things to do, better people to help, than take care of a girl that tried to kill herself.

I kept refusing my mom entrance into my room, and by the fifth time that secretary came into my room to remind me that my mom was waiting in the waiting room I was about to chuck the jar containing my urine sample right into her fucking face. I eventually gave in and told her that my mom can come in when they were done with me.

Two nurses came in, one drawing blood samples and the other reading me my 'rights' in being on a 72 hour hold. I was supposed to be on hold for 72 hours, but I was actually only in the hospital for 27 hours. Now that I look at that, it's funny how the number just got flipped around. I'm good at talking my way out of being placed on hold at hospitals. Unfortunately, that's only because I've done it so many fucking times. Also, due to luck, I was able to use their wi-fi to check the forum several times during my stay. I might have actually gone insane if I hadn't.

If you've never been on a 72 hour hold at a hospital, then let me summarize what that means. While you're in the ER, you have no privacy. They keep the door and curtain open, and they station a guard outside your door in case you get any crazy ideas of running away or destroying medical equipment. When they're done examining you in the ER, they cart you off to the looney bin because you're a 'danger to yourself or others', and you have to stay there for a minimum of 72 hours. The doctors then decide if they've 'fixed' you enough to release you into the real world, or if they believe you should continue your 'stay' there. Yeah, it blows.

They began detoxing me of the meds. I am still a bit foggy on what the process was like.. I just know that they shoved an IV in my arm and pumped god knows how many gallons of fluid through me.
The woman doctor was warm and friendly with a soft, long face and tired eyes. The man was one of the most hideous people I've ever seen. His face was cratered with scars and pimples, and his thin lips and narrow, black eyes were squinted in a permanent, sour look. His receding hair line looked like crop circle of curly, gray hair around a polished bowling ball. He never introduced himself and never looked me in the eye.

As I was being taken care of, I watched a nurse fretting behind the counter, holding a phone to her ear with a white-knuckled grip. She hung up the phone tenderly, as if it would have shattered upon contact and ran a hand through her hair. She turned and proclaimed loudly to the staff at hand, "We have a twelve year old boy in cardiac arrest. ETA fifteen minutes."
The lady doctor heaved a painful, heart wrenching noise, and the man tugged on one of my thigh's sutures with what would have been a painful force if I could have actually felt it. He finished the cut he was working on, mumbling something about being better off saving a child, and flew out of the room without another word.

I watched numbly as a nurse led a tall man with black hair and a ragged, frantic look plastered in his face, his tan coat dangling off a trembling body. She sat him down, and I heard a nurse calling on the other side of the hall that 'Dad was here'. One of the nurses flung herself into my room, flinging the curtain to the room shut and slamming the glass door closed.
I glanced at the doctor to my left, who was looking at the curtain, her face seeping with a look of pity and yearning before turning back to my wounds, vitals, and IV.

I felt like scum.

I didn't need to be here. I could have prevented this, I could have stopped myself. Because of my thoughtless, stupid impulse, I was robbing a little boy that actually needed help a doctor to assist him, a doctor that wanted desperately to be there.
I felt so low and disgusting, and I shrunk into myself, closing my eyes. I pretended I was somewhere else, flying amongst clouds, swimming in the cold, ocean water, laying in my own bed with my own pillows and my own music, anywhere but there.

That little boy died that night.

A couple of minutes after they finished cleaning and patching me up, my mother came into my room. She sat on the chair to my left, and we engaged in painful small talk. I was mildly listening to her, because my interest was piqued by a nurse outside saying that the mother of the boy had arrived. I shook my head and turned my attention back to my mother, her head hanging and body slumped in an exhausted position, her clay colored lips moving as if they were out of sync with the words that lazily flowed through them. Her eyes were glazed over, staring at her fingers knotted together in her lap. She was mid-sentence when we heard it.

That scream. I fell asleep that night with that scream ringing in my ears.

The boy's mother was on the other end of the hall, yet her scream permeated the entire ward with it's desperation and heart break; the pain of a mother.
She wailed and cried and heaved. She begged God to bring her son back. She begged the nurses to tell her it wasn't true. She wept tears only a mother would understand.

My own mother had bowed her head at the noise, clutching her chest with white knuckles, and began bawling uncontrollably. She stood from her chair and whipped around, looking at me dead on with a face full of so much pain that it's far beyond my words. She pointed a finger at the door.
"Do you see, Andromeda? That could have been me! Damn it. That has been me!"

Something in me shattered.
I cried like I've never cried before.

I ended up staying the night at the hospital. I was released the next day around 12:30.
I came inside my house and sat down to listen to Within Temptation, and potentially switch to NCIS. As I let Sharon's voice and words sink into me, I realized that something in me had changed; I was happy I was alive.
I felt liberated, as if some one just splashed a can of white paint over the portrait of my past. I saw the whole world ahead of me, a future that I had never seen before.

I am relieved of a burden, and it rained a little on my way home. The snow capped mountains stood proudly before me on the open road, the clouds tenderly sweeping around them like a fuzzy blanket. I basked in the wind flowing in from my window as it fussed my hair and the cold prickled my skin. I flew fifteen miles over the speed limit down the highway, my music blaring. I sang. God, did I ever sing. My mother simply smiled and continued to look out her window.

The world looks so beautiful now.

^I just PM'sed you Andy.

I found it hard to keep my eyes dry during your story Andy. I don't know what to say, except that it would have been beyond awful if you weren't there anymore. I hope this change will never revert again and you can lead a better life from now on.

Since I know we already talked about it, I won't say much. Just remember, I love you absolutely unconditionally. And I know that this will sound odd, but even though the path to realize how beautiful life is was really dark, I am so glad that you had the chance to realize it. I don't know exactly what kind of tears these are. But I think it's just cause I love you.

Thanks, guys <3 It's really means a lot to me. I don't really know what else I can say except you're amazing.

And to everyone who PM'd me: I got like 5 PMs, all filled with beautiful words with beautiful meaning behind them and love that I wasn't sure I could ever get from anyone other than you guys. I really wish I had the time to reply to all of them, but firstly, all the replies would probably turn out just like this, and secondly, I don't know if I'm gonna have enough time to fully reply for the next few days. So just know that I love all of you guys, and it was really sweet of you to send me those <3 They're printed in my notebook now to remind me.

^as lonmg as you're happy Andy. I'll be happy, so that;s good. eep strong and I wish you the best! we're all here for you, just remember that, ok? Be happy! It's all about enjoying your life and being happy!

Ok, I just needed to share this to get it off my chest, ´cause it's killing me now. You'll probably think that's no biggie, but I need to write, it's better than speaking and telling this to someone.

Ok, mom, what the hell you have against my boyfriend???
I think, he has shown you that he isn't like the other guys, he makes me happy, but you never see that, you never see the positive things about me, or the things I do. You always bitch me like : "Ohh this doesn't look good, makes you look bad" or when I ask you for you opinion you go like "...ohh yes looks good, but that doesn't look good" and that's all you can't tell me something more, you know to go up with my self-esteem?. And ohh my, you told me I was lazy, because I offered my chair to you. "All because of your laziness you can't go a few steps and bring here a single chair?" or maybe I should say that you never pick up your clothes from the bathroom and when you try to do it, I always do it. And you always complain that my cousin never picks up her clothes, how can you do that when you never do it?? ANYWAYS, that's not the deal.
You could've told me you didn't want him to come home. But not acting like that, like telling me that 10 am it's too early to do homework, but first of all you demanded me that we'll do homework downstairs, under your supervision. Mom I am supposed to do homework, not making out behind the front door like my cousin did yesterday. Ohh, sorry you're too busy with the Internet and the clients at this café, I forgot.

...And Dad, was it necessary to have a go at me?...in front of my boyfriend?. Was it necessary to hit me with the notebook, just because I didn't write the password right?. Was it necessary to tell me to write with the two fucking fingers, with the two hands, when you have never studied the art of writing with the two hands. In addition to that, in one hand, I had the change for the client, was it at all necessary?
Just because in Mexico City there are a lot of traffic jams that doesn't mean I could have put all the fucking cars in front of you blocking your fucking car. Just 'cause you wanna go fast, that doesn't mean all the cars wanna go fast. And it's not my fault that mom, had gone to the dentist. It's not my fault that my cousin, just is here seeing that I have a ton of homework to do, and doesn't even offer to put off an Xbox.
That's not what gets me mad, what gets me mad is that you have had a go at me and hit me in front of my boyfriend and in front of all the clients!!!!!

And you've told my cousin that you're going to do that, if she continues to disobey my mom. And you did it to me! I mean I get angry for some things, but I don't go further as my cousin does.

And now both of you, pretend I'm invisible. Congrats you two

I don't know what the hell is going on. I have a lot of homework, and I'm thinking I go bad in Maths, because I can't finish my exercises fast. I don't know what to do. I'm desperate guys help me.

Edited due to personal reasons.