The "I gotta get this off my chest" Thread

Aww.. Amy. If you feel like you should still be there with her, then just try and force your way in again - break down the walls, you know? If you don't, I think that's understandable too though. I know that I believe people come and go in our lives as we need them, maybe this is the universe's way of saying "Hey. You've changed, you grew. She didn't." and kicking you in the ass. I know that probably wasn't what you wanted to hear... but I figured my cents could be at least a little teeny bit helpful. Hopefully.

So I have something that's been bothering me for quite sometime that I've never quite said. I figure I just need to rant it off. (is mostly directed at people in my offline life)

I'm lonely, guys. It's just not fair. You all have someone who lives up the street whether it's a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, cousin. I don't have that, and I haven't in years. Yeah, I tried to stay friends with Kelly, but you get to a point where you can only exert so much effort on one person, and they just don't care at all. It wouldn't have killed her to call me once in a while instead of it always being me calling her. The phone works both ways.

Yes. I do love someone, but you can't even begin to understand how miserable it is not being able to hug her, and watch her smile, or call her or go see stupid movies with her. It's hard on a level -none- of you understand. If you all did you all wouldn't go out constantly without me. And you all would occassionally ask me what I wanted to do this weekend, or something like that. I invited you up to the Humane Society thing, and I invited you to my tennis tournament. None of you came.

And has it occurred to any of you that I'm not really this huge bitch? Maybe I act this way so it hurts less when you treat me like shit. Maybe I just don't want to hurt anymore. Haven't you put me through enough? How many trials do I need before I'm good enough? I was so scared from April 17 to Thursday. It was the scariest time of my life so far. And how did you help me through it? What did you two do?

YOU FOUGHT WITH EACH OTHER! I can barely hold back tears, because I'm going crazy from just not knowing. And you started fighting over something that happened three fucking months ago! It wasn't fair. All I needed was for someone to say, everything's gonna be okay. And nobody would.

I don't know if you judged me for what happened with Aaron. I hope you did, so you can see what you made me. You drove me to the point where I just needed someone. Anyone. My best friends turned me into someone I thought I'd never have to be. I thought I'd never have to worry about something like that.

And now -you-. Would it kill you not overreact to everything little thing that happens? Who cares in what order Emily told her friends she liked someone? I don't. I can't give a rat's ass. Better things to do, like beat my head repeatedly against a God damned brick wall. You're the worst of them. They may have fought on Thursday, but at least before that they asked if I was alright, and let me tell them what was going on. You, however, said NOTHING! Like it was normal for me to walk around like I wanted to jump off the roof.

Then you stand between me and someone who isn't trying to use me. Yes, I already said I love someone. They know I do, I don't think there is a doubt in her mind. But it's just not fair that I can't at least grasp at straws to happy for the next few years. Would it have been so hard to jack down just one time?

Why are you all against my happiness? Whenever I'm happy you all aren't, and when you're all delighted I'm miserable. When I need you most you vanish into thin air. Whabam. Personless.

Do you know what it's like to sit on your couch, crying, needing your best friend to say that she'll help you, and have her IGNORE YOUR FUCKING CALLS? Well do you? No you don't! Because I would never do that to any one of you. I would walk through fire for you and you treat me like horse shit!

And my favorite person of all;

How dare you, how fucking dare you call me every night crying about how much you want to die, and kill yourself. And every night I stay on the phone with you telling you everything's gonna be fine. Just give time a chance to turn it around. Then you tell me no one loves you.

You worthless piece of shit. Fine, I'll show you no one. I am done playing into your attention-whoring ways. Finished. Honestly, darling, if you wanted out that bad you've been dead months ago. I don't need you shit.

I don't understand why I hang around anymore? I know I don't need you. You clearly feel you don't need me. But I want you. I want it to be simple, and not have any problems. I hang around in hopes of that happening someday.

^^ Oh Kayleigh darling. I know exactly how you feel! If you need to talk I'm always here for you.

You shouldn't have todeal with this, espcially to this extent. I'm actually quite shocked at this. I'm really stumped for words because of this. I'm sorry for you, you deserve better in all honesty. You are a decent person who's nice, friendly, kind and a million other good things.

Oh mooi, I'm so sorry.

I dont know why they are all like that. And why they dont invite you out because you are an amazing person. Maybe you need to tell them all, give them a wake up call. If they know they'll lose you maybe they'll do something.

They dont deserve you. The really dont.

They all sound so selfish and you put so much effort into them and they are complete twats. I'd come knock some sense into them if I could because right now I want to kill them all for how they are making you feel.

I know how shit it is to not feel you have anyone, but you gotta just drag yourself along for a while and hopefully you will meet some nice people next year. It will get easier.

I love you mooi and I wish I could do something to help. I cant stand to see you feeling like this.

Thanks Tayla & Kellie.

I'm,hmmm, I'm just in such a bad frame of mind at the moment. On Sunday it would be my borthers birthday. 3rd Birthday. Fuck I dont even know what 3 year olds do or like. He was miscarried, I didn;t even know about him til he had died. I feel so fucking stupid. I thought I was dealing with it, I should be, it's not until Sunday. I just keep thinking of what he would be like and what he'd look like. To be fair I do that everyday anyway. I cant get it off my mind. I need to do something, buy something, I dunno. It's only gonna be made worse because my mom will be the attention seeking selfish bitch she is and go up to the memorial place. Then my Dad probably will and tell me all about it just to be a twat. Why even tell me. How am I meant to react to that. I just... I dont even know what I'm trying to achieve.

Then today my photography thing just looks like shit. And i'm out of ideas to make it better, I didn;t even have any idea to begin with to be honest. And I'm past caring to even try now. nothings been made better by a complete lack of sleep the last week and all the stress of having to do all coursewrok all night every night. And then thats still shit. I dont normally get stressed but this last week has been awful.

I cant even stand to be around anyone at the moment. I dont want to talk to anyone and I feel I'm just gonna snap at everyone. I cant be anywhere near my mom because whatever she says I'm most likely to go crazy at her for everything she's ever selfishly done attatched to Jamie. I really cant stand to be round myself either.

My phone keeps texting me to tell me to top up byt the 17th. Which really isn't helping. I'm just feel so angry towards everything. And his ashes are still in the fucking dining room which she moved so she could put Christmas decorations up. That was 5 months ago.

Think I just needed to rant

^ Kellie I`m really sorry for you.I don`t know how is to loose a brother but I can understand how you feel.But we are still here if you want to talk or just a litte snug

Im sorry kellie, iv never lost a sibbling that must be terrible, as for your work it will turn out good

And now for the inevitable hugs i cant give irl

Kellie I'm ever so sorry I'm stumped for words.

I need to rant this one out.

What has he done? I told him my blackest secret that even my adoptee-sister to be doesn't know just so he wouldn't commit to it and yet I find this! I feel so much better. "I'm sorry Tayla this is the end I've always loved you but you don't me. By the time you read this it'll be too late". Don't you understand I loved you to pieces! If I never see you again it'll break my heart even more. You won't, can't understand. He thinks committing suicide is the only answer! Can't he see not what he will do to his family, his friends, the people who LOVE HIM!?

I want to cry. I'd give my life for his. There's no way I can save him. I've no credit, no address to run to of his. I'm scared.

Thanks everyone

Tayla. Shit I'm so sorry, you shouldn't have to deal with that. No-one should ever tell you that. I hope he doesn't go through with it, I really do. Suicide is never an answer. If someone wants to kill themselves they will. But if he's messaging you to tell you before, it seems more like attention than that he is actually gonna do it. I really hope he doesn't. I really wish this wasn't happening. I've had to talk someone out of suicide before. He was sitiing in his garden with knives to his throat, but if they think about it, really think about it they'll realise it's not the answer. I'm hoping with everything I have he doesn't do it.

Hmmm....welll...this really has nothing to do with me, but is rathering haunting and not exactly what I want to be thinking about now...

I have this intense fear of fire. I'm not sure why, but I'm assuming it is because I hate decay and destruction so much and fire just causes total ruin and plus I have some scarring random memories of fire from my past: like at the state fair I saw an exhibit of things that had been burned/ melted like this morphed trophey from a kid's room. I think I was in first grade. My mind was so disturbed after that. I think I was afraid to even look at a smoke detector. The next year I got really scared all over again because in one of our weekly readers it talked about fire safety and such and it just through my mind into worry. My mom was out of town that weekend, he was making soup so the stove was on for like most of the evening which terrified me, we had long heavy curtains then that scared me cuz the light was semi-close. Everytime I hear about something fire related it haunts me and I'm almost interested in a kinda scary way. I used to (and honestly to a degree now) be afraid to sleep at night just in case there was a fire. I would like triple check to make sure the stove was off and well I was really, really scared so I'm sure I thought about it a lot more.

While driving today I saw a half burned house. It was only a fleeting glance and realization, but I am now being haunted by that image, by the fears it brought up. I was fine and now I'm thinking about it, about the pain, destruction, my own fears. On a weekly basis I have dreams about my house burning. Often when I leave home for long periods I fear I'll come home to a fire or destruction. Today I went like a little nuts trying to test our smoke detector and I guess its just too many things reminding me at once and it just seems omnious...

Actually my fear is just any situation that leaves me trapped whether that be no way to escape hearing about what happened or actually no way to prevent harm to someone or thing. I'm afraid of airplanes, fire, tornadoes, being attacked with no escape route...all situations where you have no control and are really powerless....

Ohh ^^ thats not good, if it makes you feel better im terrified of fire my great uncle got burned to death in a furnace and its terrified me since.

Oh Amy I know what you mean. I used to freaked out of fires because I kept burning myself. My moms friend was burnt in a fire while lighting her ciggaret. I hope you start feeling better about fire. I can't really you much advise. But I'm still here for hugs

Amy I know how you feel.All of us have their own fears that may haunt as for a long time,and it`s very hard to escape from them.I almost always have drems about falling from buildings aand wake up in tears.I can`t help much but I just want to make you feel better

Amy I wish I could say somethign to make it better. Cant really go with facing your fears because I dont want you anywhere near a fire. We all have fears but we just have to push through them and try not to think about them all the time. I know you got reminded and thats horrible. Just try to keep it in the back of your mind and not worry so much about it. Theres like the tinest chance ever you'll be in a fire

Thanks guys. I think I'm feeling better about this praticular thing...not really better in general though. I've been angry, defensive, restless, bored and not feeling so good about myself since I've been home. I don't know why. If did I could fix it, but I'm just mad, too mad to sort anything out.

I'm sorry about the fires Amy. I hope that someday you can overcome this fear, it must be really hard I know

^ You said 'Overcome' in that sentence

^^ Come off it I didn't do it on purpose.

You even maid me listen to it before

Meh =/ I feel so stupid! I asked out one of my best friends today. He said "not at the moment" as he has to "sort out his head". I got a long big hug. And what do I do? Start blubbering like a 5-year-old without their sweets! I feel like such a fool.

Then I asked my ex in the next lesson to slap me. He did after I begged him. I just felt worse.

Now my family are being stupid. I give most of my energy to them and time. Still it's not good enough. Then they slander me to other people and relatives.

Don`t feel stupid Tayla your reaction is normal.Don`t need to worry.We`re always here if you want to talk

Aye atealst he said not yet, which means its still a possibility, and your reaction is normal i sohuld know i collapsed when someone i loved turned me down though she just said no.

but we are all here for you and always will be

I'm so sorry Tayla. But if he's just trying to sort his head out he may just need time. You're reaction was normal and if he's your best friend he should understand.

And I may have to come down and slap your ex now.

I wish I could make it better.

*sigh* I don't even know where I'm going with this post, but I just feel like I need to talk to get my mind off stuff.. I don't know.
But she... she being my girlfriend... and the best thing in my life and the only reason keeping my alive...

She txted me this morning saying her mom was taking away her phone... again... which happens everyone once in a while... and she usually gets time restrictions on it for awhile, then things go back to normal. She told me to call her friends phone at lunch (since she's in school) and i could talk then. I called... no answer. then she calls me from another of her friends phones because the friends phone that i called was no longer in service. She told me she was okay, and everything, she loved me, and she was going to her dads after school, so to cal her at 4 pm her time. 5pm my time. So I said i would and i would talk to her then...That phone call lasted exactly 2 minutes and 13 seconds. She called at around 1:36.....
The day goes on, i had to babysit, i get home at around 4:30... run to shower and try and unwind... then I call her house phone.... straight to answering machiene. I checked the number to make sure it wasnt there wrong one... Nope. it was right. I called back a while later, in case someone was on the phone. No answer. No answer. No answer. I called so many time... maybe like a dozen... each time it went to the machiene.
I sent her an email, even though i know she cant get online for a few days... just so i could feel like i was talking to her... then I called her cell, because i knew it would be off, so i could hear her voice mail... I left her a message.... and of course, started crying. I knew i wouldnt be able to hold up the whole day...
I'm terrified incase somethings happened... I'm always worried... but, I told her I'd calll at 5... its a few minutes until 8pm now.... she would have called me if she could have.... but she hasn't.
I've been crying for like half an hour, which I know I'll talk to her again... maybe tonight... i dont know... if not, then tomorrow... But... I just miss her so much. two minutes... all I can hear is her voice for those two minutes.... I keep staring at the phone, just waiting for it to light up, waiting for her to call me. But it's not ringing! And I start crying every five seconds just because something reminds me how long its been since i've talked to her... or how much i muss her... or I think if something happened.. or i think about going the rest of the night without talking to her... its just too much

I need a hug. And I need it to be June 11th so she can get here.

Okay. heart spew over.

Aw, I'm sure she's fine. Maybe she was just really busy today.. you know, one of those days when you're too busy to get to the phone. :/ I'm sure she'll call you soon.